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Davis Quinton: License and registration. Hank Yarbo: What did I do? Davis: You didn't fix your broken tail light. I told you, like, a thousand times. Hank: Exaggeration. Maybe ten times. Davis: More like 10 million times. How are people gonna know when you're stopping? Hank: They hit the back of the truck. That's how I broke the light. Davis: I'm impounding this vehicle. When you come to the station with a new tail light, you can have it back. Hank: Aw. How are you going to drive both vehicles back? Davis: I'll follow you. Hank: Hey, don't rear-end me. My tail light's broke. Brent Leroy: Knock, knock. I come bearing gifts. Emma Leroy: What's this? Brent: It's my old MP3 player. I got a new one so I thought you could have this one. Emma: What's an empty tree player? Brent: MP3. It stands for "music playing 3." Emma: Oh, right. So, I plug it into the radio. Brent: No. Emma: I'm not signing up for any record of the month clubs or anything. Brent: This is harder than it should be yet, not harder than I expected. So, I already filled it with a bunch of your country superstars. There's a least three guys named "Hoyt" on there. Emma: Oh, it's not working. Oh, it's one of these things! Oh, it'll be great to have one of these. What station is this? Karen Pelly: All right. Uh, the next item up for bid is item 7 and... Auction Denizen 1: You did 7 already. Karen: No. That was items number 6, the uh, the bag of a... Wanda Dollard: It wasn't a bag, it was a box. It was a big box of bags and it was item 7 and you got 30 cents for it. Auction Denizen 1: This is the worse police auction ever. Wanda: Just get to the big ticket items. Karen: I am going in order so I don't get mixed up. OK, item 23. Davis Quinton: Let the eating contest begin! Here are the perogies. Brent: Oh, I like those. Davis: I was up all night blending the potato and cheese just right. Two kinds of cheese, three kinds of potatoes... Brent: There's three kinds of potatoes? Davis: You sure you grew up in farm country? Brent: Yeah, but it was after the TV was invented so I didn't hit the plow a lot. Lacey Burrows: Wow. So, how many of those are you gonna eat? Davis: Oh, no, no, no. Brent's not allowed to enter the eating contest. Lacey: Why, are you some kind of pro or something? Brent: No, I'm not a pro. The pros know who I am. No, no one will enter if I enter so...I entered you. Lacey: You entered me? Brent: We should probably change verbs before this gets weird. Lacey: You put my name in the contest? Why would you do that? Davis: Lacey in an eating contest? Ha! Brent: See? Huge laughs. Lacey: That is so gross. There is no way I'm doing that. People shoving huge gobs of dough in their faces as fast as they can. Butter running down their chin, sour cream in their eyebrows. Brent: I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now. Oscar Leroy: This is stupid. Doctor said I was supposed to eat some salad, not just salad. Lettuce has no vitamins, you know. I could die if I only eat this. Emma: You might notice a lot of lettuce on your plate. Doctor said it's good for you. Oscar: Can you even hear me with those ear bugs in your head? Emma: It's an MPP player! Brent put some records on it. Oscar: Quit yelling! I'm two feet away from ya. Emma: I got it on shuffle. You can never tell what song's going to...oh, I like that. Lacey: No, I'm sorry but I'm not doing this, it's disgusting. Competitor: You're going to lose. Lacey: I'm not going to lose because I'm not doing it. Fitzy Fitzgerald: OK. When I count to three, everyone start cramming your perogie holes. One... Competitor: You're finished. Lacey: Lighten up. Fitzy: Two... Competitor: I own you. Lacey: Bring it on! Fitzy: Three! Oscar: I'm starving, I can't live like this. Are you gonna listen to that stupid tape recorder all day? OK then, I'm going to eat a ham sandwich. Is that OK with you? A big ham sandwich. With mustard and mayonnaise, maple syrup and bacon and butter and leftover apple pie. Just let me know if you'd rather I didn't. All right then. Lacey: I can't believe this. Fitzy: How about a big hand for this year's perogie pig, Lacey Burrows! Oink, oink, oink. Brent: Who would have thought that inside that skinny, little frame lived the heart of a giant, gluttonous porker. Lacey: I am not a porker! I just ate 40 perogies in under a minute. Oh, my God. I am a porker. Fitzy: Put on the nose. Lacey: That is not going to happen. Davis: How could you have sold Hank's truck? It wasn't even on the list. Karen: I don't know. Floor mats were on the hood and I thought that the truck went with the floor mats. Davis: What happened to my box of bags? Karen: Hey, I got 30 cents for that. Hank: Hey, world's safe again. I uh, got the new tail light. Karen: Yeah, ah, about that. How should I put this? Davis: Karen sold your truck. Hank: You sold my truck? To who? Wanda: There are no words to describe how pleased I am with myself. Brent: Wow, you can really eat. I had no idea you could unhinge your jaw like that. I think I saw you on the Discovery channel. Lacey: Ha. Davis: Hey, champ. So, how did you like those perogies? Pretty tasty, huh? Lacey: Oh, honestly I was eating so fast I didn't taste a thing. Davis: Oh, I see. Glad to know I wasted my Friday night cooking those up. When I could have been...I could have been...anyways, I wasted my time. Lacey: It's an eating contest. What did you think was gonna happen? Davis: I'm never cooking for one of these stupid contests again. Brent: Hey, how many donuts could you eat? Like, 80? Hank: Hey. Wanda: Oh, hey Hank. Just out for a walk? Hank: Man, I got to hand it to you. You pulled off a good gag. Wanda: Which gag? Hank: You know, the old "I'll pretend to own Hank's truck for a while" gag. It's good stuff. Good stuff. Wanda: Ha, ha, ha. The thing is, I really do own it. Therefore, it's not a gag. You know, oh sure, it's funny and clever and highly enjoyable on a lot of levels but it's no gag. Hank: All right, fine. You own it. Now, sell it back to me. Wanda: I wish I could, but you can't afford what I paid for it. Karen: Sold, for $14. Wanda: Yes. Hank: You're right. Where am I gonna get that kind of dough? Wanda: Maybe you could enter a walk-a-thon. Christopher Walken. Walking Phoenix. Johnny Walker. Hank: Wait, wait. If you're gonna be driving my baby around, there's some things you should know. Like uh, the radio gets ah, better reception if you hold the steering wheel with one hand on top. The head lights won't work if you got it in low gear. Wanda: Oh, and ah, what does this crank do? Oscar: Oh, hello Emma. Listen, I was thinking I might eat this whole jar of jam. If you don't think it's a good idea, just let me know. I'm really starting to enjoy our little chats. Lacey: Hey, do you have any brown sugar? Brent: What's the matter, you eat all your inventory? Oscar: Heard you can really pack it away the chow. Brent: She was incredible. She was like some kind of human garborator or something. Lacey: Wow, you really know who to make a lady feel special. Oscar: She could probably shovel back more than you. Brent: OK, let's keep our feet in reality here. Oscar: I'm just saying. Brent: She can't eat more than me. Lacey: Hmm, maybe I could. I guess we'll never know. Brent: That jam on your face? Emma: "You can't fix a broken heart with a splint." Oh, hi Karen. Oh, it's an MP2 player. Karen: Ah, is it all stuff like that? Emma: Oh, you mean country? Karen: Not the word I would have used but sure. You need to step into the now. Or at least get to within a couple of decades so you can see the now. Emma: Oh, you know how to in-load records into this thing? Karen: I think I know what you're saying and yes. I can hook you up. Hank: I wouldn't give her that, Emma. She might auction it off. Now, normally at this point I would drive off in anger but Karen sold my truck so, I'm walking off in anger. Brent: OK, you and me, anytime, any place. Lacey: Wow, are you a smooth talker. Brent: Eating contest. People think you can eat more than me, I want everyone to know. Lacey: Sorry. Guess it'll be one of life's great mysteries. Who would win between Spiderman and... Davis: Sasquatch. Lacey: OK, Sasquatch. Brent: First of all, are you talking about Spiderman fighting any old Sasquatch or Sasquatch from Alpha Flight? Two completely different scenarios. Lacey: Well, it doesn't matter because it isn't going to happen. Brent: It's already arranged! I already phoned Fitzy's grandma to ask her to make four dozen perogies, bring them over here. Davis: Fitzy's grandma? Why didn't you ask me? Brent: You said you'd never do it again. Davis: I didn't say that. Lacey: You did. It was just a bit more whiny. Wanda: Walker, Texas Ranger. Karen: Stop it, Wanda! Wanda: Man, that never gets old. Karen: Did I mention I was really sorry? Brent: Hey, Mom. Enjoying your RQ5 player? Emma: "And I'll be backing your business all up in your trunk. You talk about tap that." Brent: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Emma: Hey. Brent: No one's backing anything up in anyone's trunk. Where did you get this? Emma: Karen. She off-loaded some more down with it tunes. Brent: If by down with it, you mean filthy. You shouldn't be singing about things you don't understand. Emma: You put "Skinnamarinky-doo" on here. I got no idea what that means. Brent: What's not to get? It's right in the title. Wanda: You can hassle me all you want. I'm not giving you the truck back. Karen:Ah, I'm not hassling you. I'm just here to inform you that I had to impound your other vehicle. Wanda: You impounded my car? Why? Karen: Unspecified violations. Wanda: How'd you get the keys? Karen: I'm a cop. I have my ways. Karen: Hey, can I have Wanda's keys? Brent: Yeah, sure. Do you want her wallet too? Wanda: I want my car back. I'll pay the fines. Where's my wallet? Karen: Oh, it's too late anyway. You want your car, you gotta talk to the new owner. Hank: I can't express happy words how I feel right...I mean... Oscar: And I don't even know if it was cooked. Buddy 1: Hey, how about a quick game of poker? Who's in? Brian: Can't, I promised my wife I'd be home early. Buddy 1: Ah, how about you, Oscar? You in? Oscar: Sure, we can even do it at my place. Just let me call the missus and see if she minds. I gave her a chance to say no. Let's go. Brent: OK, enough jerking around. Let's get this outta the way. Lacey: I am not going into another eating contest. Brent: Come on. The people want to see two big food-sucking hogs going head-to-head. Lacey: Food-sucking hogs? Brent: Sorry. Hog and sow. Lacey: Ah. Brent: OK then, how about this? You wanna get the roof here fixed, right? Lacey: Yeah, but I can't afford it. Brent: I'll do it for you. I'll re-tar the whole place. I'll, I'll re-shingle the eavestroughs or whatever do to a roof. No expense to you, if you can beat me in an eating contest. Lacey: OK, I'll do it. Brent: Why not? Lacey: I just said I'll do it. Brent: Oh. Lacey: But remember, it's me who's got the nose. Oscar: Well, it's getting kinda late. Buddy 1: No, it's still early. Oscar: Yeah, but the old ball and chain. You know how it is. Buddy 1: She's cool. Oscar: She is not cool. Buddy 1: Emma, just yell if you want us to stop playing. Guess we can stay. Oscar: Yeah, ante up. Brent: Oh, hey Karen. Listen, I uh, I just wanted to say uh, I really dig all that music that you put on my Mom's MP3 player but uh, I was thinking, I don't know if it's that appropriate for her. You know, with the business and the tapping. I mean, I tap business all the time. Karen: You do? Brent: Oh, sure. In the grills and up in the cribs and all over the place. But if you could not put any more of that stuff on my Mom's...that would be super coolio. Karen: Whatever you say, Reverend Leroy. Wanda: Hey, Hank. Where should I hang this? Should I hang it from the rear view mirror or... Hank: Get that pervert out of my truck. And put some pants on him. Wanda: Who, Johnny G-string? Well, he's as easy on the eyes as he is on the nose. Cough, cough, cough. I'll hang him on the outside mirror. Hank: That is not cool. Wanda: What, this wasn't here before? Hank: OK, fair enough. I mean, if I'm going to be sleeping in your car. Wanda: That's the best you can do? Hank: I don't wear much to bed. Guess me and Johnny got something in common. Wanda: Please tell me you're joking. Hank: Ooo, feels pretty good on the seats. Well, I gotta go. I got a full days work ahead of me, hauling manure. Gonna take a lot of trips in my little car. Wanda: You wouldn't. Hank: And I'm feeling pretty sleepy! Karen: This one has some sick riffs. They sampled a retro DMC vocal and funk bass line. You hear it? Emma: It's a toe-tapper. Karen (phone): Hello. Oh, hi Brent. Emma: I'm not here. Karen (phone): Look, what is your problem? I am just trying to get Emma into a bit more contemporary music. It's not doing her any harm. Emma: That's for shizzel. Karen: What'd you just say? Emma: I'm just saying, it's dope dog. Karen (phone): OK, I'm sending her home now. Yeah. Wanda: You're not crapping up my car. Hank: Oh, you mean the "plop wagon?" Wanda: I swear, I'll paint this entire truck hot fuchsia and cover it with "Hello Kitty" stickers. Hank: Well, I guess I'm going to the manure farm. Wanda: Well, I guess I'm going to the Japanese decal store. Hank: Get out of the way! Wanda: No, you get out of the way. Davis: I saw your door was open. Helen Jensen: I'm a little busy. Davis: Yeah, I see. Making a fresh batch of perogies. Right here in your lovely kitchen. Such a nice kitchen. Would be a shame if something should happened to it. Helen: Are you trying to intimidate me? Davis: Kind of. Is it working? Helen: Not really, no. Davis: Oh, yeah? Then how about this? Karen: All right, stop. Get out of the vehicles. Look, there is a simple way to settle this. Wanda: Yep. Karen: Or, we could just swap keys. Hank: So, who gets the cop car? Lacey: Oh, no. What am I going to do with all these chili dogs? I accidentally made them by accident. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to throw them away. Brent: I see what you're doing. You're trying to fill me up before the contest. Go ahead, throw them out. Lacey: Fine, that's what I'll do then. Brent: OK. Lacey: All right, here I go. Brent: All right, I'll eat them. It's not their fault. Karen: Now, was that so hard? Hank: Oh, and Wanda, if you find a pair of boxers in the back, you let me know, huh? Ha, ha, ha. See ya. Wanda: Officer, that guy's tail light is broken. Karen: I hate this town. Fitzy: My grandma just phoned. She's not making the perogies. She said something about Davis and hung up. Helen: Davis says I can park wherever I want. Brent: Well, it's just as well. I'm pretty full from those dogs. Guess we'll do this another time. Lacey: No, no. I'm still the champ so I win by default. Davis: I got the perogies. Fitzy: Great. Are you both ready? Brent: Oh, maybe we should hold off. Lacey: No, let's do it right now. Fitzy: On the count of three. One, two, three. Winner, Brent. Lacey: How did you...? Did you just eat all that in four seconds? Brent: Not sure what my time was. Anyone? Fitzy: 4.6. Brent: Not my best time, but I was pretty full. Davis: Once again, my perogies are stuffed down so fast that no one can appreciate them. Real nice. Brent: Au contraire, did I taste a hint of tarragon in the butter? Davis: You noticed. Brent: My compliments to the chef. You gonna finish yours? Lacey: I have never been less attracted to you than I am right now. Oscar: All right Emma, I'm gonna eat a whole box of fudge. And wash it down with rum. If you don't want me to, say something. Anything, to stop me. For the love of all that's holy, please, stop me. Emma: Oscar, I made you some dinner. Oscar: Salad? Emma: Jalapeno and spicy jack cheese nachos. I wanted to make you a treat. You've been so patient putting up with me and my headphones. Brent: There, how's that for backing your junk into the trunk? Oscar: What the hell are you talking about? Category:Transcripts